SAMPLE EXCERPT Getting Thru to Kids The Five Steps to Problem Solving with Children Ages 6 to 18 Book by Phillip Mountrose Table of Contents    Excerpt from Book    What People are Saying    Ordering

“I have found the book’s strategies to be powerful and effective, fostering respect betwen adult and child. It’s a unique resource!”

                    --Margaret Messina, Special Education Teacher

STEP 2 IN PROBLEM SOLVING: EXPRESSING FEELINGS  (page 32)

Now that you have identified the child's problem, it is time to go on to the second part of the 5-step problem solving process. It is time to look at the youngster's feelings about the problem. To understand feelings, let's first put things in perspective.

Our male-dominated culture tends to discount feelings. This has to do with a masculine view, of being a “man” and taking it, that is, not showing feelings. Feelings are for sissies, wimps or girls. As one forty year old basketball player harshly remarked after a teammate played poorly, “You’re going to have to start wearing a skirt.” So feelings are feminine and considered a weakness.

How does this “feel-less” cultural attitude translate to childrearing? Feelings tend to be downplayed or dismissed, especially by males. Males can be angry; females can cry. But that’s pretty much the limit. If males cry, they’re too feminine; if females get angry, they’re too masculine.

When we avoid feelings, they do not disappear--they simply go into hiding.

It is a matter of recognizing and guiding the energy, or feelings will come out haphazardly, putting us at their mercy.

It is tempting to just tell the child what he feels. But for the child to benefit, let him describe his own feelings. The child then increases his awareness and you grow more in touch with him, creating empathy by careful listening. As he safely expresses uncomfortable feelings, the child feels nurtured and supported. The child does most of the talking but appreciates the adult’s silent supportive presence.

When he is at a loss then you can help him with wording. Just be sure that you are not preventing the child from adequately expressing himself by cutting him off or putting words into his mouth. Allow time for the process, so the kid can examine himself and discover his feelings. On occasion you might disclose having those feelings yourself. Be in the moment, guided by your heart and the situation.

At times the youngster may need help to find words that fit feelings. Just saying one is feeling “good,” “fine,” “bad,” “nothing,” or “okay” is not descriptive of feelings. Help the child with words such as “excited,” “happy,” “sad,” “lonely,” “frustrated” and “confused” to describe feelings.

If you help the child with the words be sure he agrees with the wording. 
If possible, use the words the child says.

You are not trying to convince the child about what you’re saying; rather you are trying to help define the child’s experience and feelings.

Realize that a problem triggers multiple feelings. Take your time to recognize and sort them out. Often you will find they come down to feeling fear. Fear thrives in an absence of knowledge and love. To bridge this gap, you can use the rest of the steps in Getting Thru to Kids 5-step problem-solving process. It will help develop understanding and self-esteem.

If you are around the child regularly, also note if there is a tendency for him to always describe the same feeling. This may signal that the child is hiding another feeling that he feels is unacceptable to have. The child may have received a message that certain feelings are wrong to express. The youngster conceals certain feelings because they have made his caretakers uncomfortable. He then covers up the unacceptable feeling with another more acceptable one. For example, the child may consider it okay to have sadness but not anger. Or to have anger but not fear.

Daniel Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ elaborates on how feelings are a critical yet overlooked part of our growth. He writes, “I can foresee a day when education will routinely include inculcating essential human competencies such as self-awareness, self-control, and empathy, and the arts of listening, resolving conflicts and cooperation.” He goes on to explore how “emotional literacy” can civilize our society and protect us from the ravages of violence.

Learning which feelings exist and how to distinguish them takes time. But it’s an investment that will yield results over a lifetime. You can find an aid to identifying feelings in Appendix B ("Developing a Vocabulary for Feelings").

It will help your communication if you practice identifying feelings, which are occurring virtually all the time. To identify your feelings, complete the sentence, “I feel....” Try it on yourself now. And use it with a child at your first opportunity.

When expressing feelings, you want to avoid blaming another person for your own feelings. The feelings belong to the person who expresses them. Taking ownership of feelings empowers people of all ages. Blaming another for one’s feelings disempowers, saying another person controls you.

Note when you associate someone else’s behavior as a trigger for your own feelings. The next step is to sort out your feelings from the other person’s actions. You can claim your own feelings by being descriptive with the word “I” rather than using the accusatory word “you." For example, “I feel irritated when you leave your cards all over the table,” instead of “You irritate me when you’re a slob.” A child might say, “I get mad when you yell,” rather than “You’re a stupid loudmouth.”

Using these “I feel sentences” can be a powerful way to express yourself. It is a healthy habit to develop for adults and children.

After the feelings are explored, it is time to look at the underlying thought patterns. These patterns form a belief; and when a problems arises, you will find a limiting belief. Finding the restrictive "off" belief forms the third part of the 5-step problem solving process. Discovering the faulty belief proves crucial to understanding and resolving problems.

“The 5 Steps allowed me to be more patient and stay calm. I thought about how I can include my daughter in figuring out the solution, rather than ‘daddy’ figuring it out or doing it.... It gives her a chance to grow and understand.”

                    -- Gerald Rainey, parent